A moment before death

Memories have always tricked my mind: Sometimes, I want to remember some of them perfectly, but I fail; and when I want to forget some, their imprints become even stronger on my mind.

Here I am, to tell you one of such stories; a story that has always put some thoughts in my brain…

Third first year in medical school feels just like another heaven. Nothing to worry. No exams. Even no reading at all. Just attend morning clinical hours, bunk remaining lectures after that and enjoy your day. Do whatever you like. Some of us even bunked those clinical hours too; and even I was not spared from that.

But I don’t know what was on my mind, that day; I woke up early in the morning and went to clinics. We were given posting in different departments for specific time period divided according to their priority. At that time, I was in pediatrics, C2 ward. That ward has its own beauty; at entry you can feel a cool atmosphere due to air-conditioning system; on both side line of cribs instead of beds; a big round desk to work for doctors and nurses just in front of your eyes in the middle of the room and not to forget cries of little children to make this ward unique compared to other ones.

I walked fast because I was late. ( still,  I never understood that no matter how much earlier I woke up but why was I always late?) Faster I walked, nearer the destination was and that made me walk even faster; and I reached C2 ward. At my first glimpse, I saw my colleagues were standing in a big circle. I thought that resident doctor had started lecture. Previous days had been passed same; take a history of a patient, prepare it properly, one of us presents it on second day, then resident corrects mistakes in it and gives information about that disease.

I walked slowly, careful not to draw anyone’s attention, and stopped near a friend of mine. But it was not a lecture that was going on. Everyone, not just my colleagues, but everyone that was present there was staring at a crib. When I looked there I came to know what was going on; it was a fight. A fight with death (may be if you believe a fight with will of God). Two residents, one boy of second year residency and a girl from first year, were giving CPR to a boy of around four-year and trying to rescue him from death. Everyone was looking anxious, I noticed it after a little time of silence in the ward or may be it was just my mind that was silent. A little sound of sobbing was being heard. My head turned towards right side in the direction of voice; a woman was standing around five feet away from that crib and looking at residents with hopeful wet eyes. Just beside her a man, obviously her husband, was  standing, trying hard not to cry but a drop of tear escaped his eye.

When beautiful moments of their life enjoyed with their son was passing by their eyes; their son’s life was still on the edge of ending. Two resident doctors, one using a bag valve mask and another giving chest compressions, were trying to start that child’s heart, so that he can see the sun of next day. Father of that boy took his wife to a distant chair from where she can’t watch it happening, gave her a glass of water and sat just beside her for a minute then again came near that crib of his child.

I don’t remember exactly, but may be it took only 5-10 minutes to happen all of this. At last it all came to an end. I will not tell you whether that boy survived or not. I don’t want to tell you, as it doesn’t matter HERE. (of course, each life matters to someone; even terrorists do have lovers!)

It was my first encounter with live death! I mean I had seen dead people, even dead people smelling badly too (anatomy dissection!); but this was different, may be a lot different. This one was dying. I had seen these type of scenes in movies, where a dying person speaks slowly using trimmed sentences before he dies and a whoever standing near him closes his eyes, but this was first time in a real life and yah a lot different from that too.

Dying person. Neither alive nor dead. Standing at an edge between life and death. Wait! Is that even possible whatever I am talking? A person can be either alive or dead. How can he be both? If he is dying then there is a life, may be unhealthy one, but still life is there. After all death does not have its own existence; its just an absence of life.

Then what was the difference? What was different between already dead one and dying person? Aren’t we all taking a little step, day by day, towards death? No one knows what happens after death, but that a tiny moment of life before death scares us a little.

I have seen many people trying to make their lives perfect. Trying to divert life the way they want. Preparing for future and trying to make it perfect. I don’t say that they are wrong, neither I say that they can’t do it. But I am asking why to divert it? How can you know that you will enjoy the life that you will achieve? Even how can you know that you will be alive for that? If a four year child can die why not you?

If you can’t enjoy present moment then there is no life filled in it, if we look properly past is already dead and future is not in our hands. All that we have is just present time. Why to waste it by thinking about future?

Let your life flow and just enjoy this moment which is with you, which is just in your hand; and don’t worry, at some point, that future will become your present and you can cherish it just like you are doing today.

For all those friends who are looking forward to future of their lives..

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