Aankho main intzar ke badal baras gaye

What I should say I don’t know; I never knew it. I have never gained any ability to talk with people about useless shit and make relations much stronger. I never had it even at the time when I used to talk with you daily. You might have noticed, at least, I hope so.

You may be thinking that I am being rude by refusing to accept your proposal to meet you in person as a friend of yours. But problem is totally different. I don’t think that you did anything wrong and neither I want to behave rudely with you because I don’t grudge you; even I am grateful that you still consider me as a good friend.

But problem is that I want to meet you! I am craving to look at those eyes that bewitched me to fall for you. It’s not that I have forgotten them, it’s not that I don’t see them daily in my dreams; but still there is a feeling ,may be occupying a large portion of my heart, that I want to see them. I want to see them alive, just in front of my eyes. I want to die there and reborn again and again inside your eyes. I just never want to end it and go deeper and deeper inside that heaven from where I want to reach a point where just your eyes and myself will remain; everything else will become obscured, everything will be dead for me, anything else doesn’t matter after that.

But I know that life is a bitch, it neither waits or listens to anyone.(This bitch is beautiful for me!) May be that’s why, yahhh, that’s why I want to say that I love you. You know that. I don’t know why you want to avoid that fact but still I want to say that again and again that I love you. I love you. I love you from all my heart. I dedicate my feelings totally to you. I know that you don’t love feelings for me, but let me express my feelings. Let my heart flow with your name. I don’t want to wait for right time, may be it will never come because, may be, it doesn’t exist. May be, this is the right moment, this is the right time and not a single other moment can take its place.

I remember the time we have passed together. I don’t know about you; but it was one of the best of my life. When ever I close my eyes I can still feel each drop of rain touching my skin and making me feel alive. Sometimes, I just go out, in the rain, and let it pour its drops on my body; may be I am becoming more nostalgic or may be it is one of the only ways by which I can feel you just beside me.

I don’t want to indulge in this nostalgia; I want to meet you in real, but I fear. I fear for myself. May be my heart will fall for you again and again same as before; I can not stop it. I want to end it and become your friend just like we were before some years but it can never happen. I can’t do it, neither can you.

You can see how much silly I am; in real, I want to meet you but problem is that I don’t want to recollect shattered pieces of my heart, again. May be this time I may not gather that much strength, I am afraid.

-TG

(written on 12/07/2013)

“Aankho main intzar ke badal baras gaye;
Hum dekhne ko aapka chahera taras gaye
Bin tum gumsum hone lage,
jaane kis duniya me khone lage.”

– song from ‘Dus Kahaniyaan’